Haunting past 

The past has its own way of sneaking its way back up again. When I was pregnant with Isaiah i had this lump in my throat this excruciating anxiety I couldn’t shake off, nightmares of myself dying over and over again. That I would wake up from in tears, of how horrible they were. Of my own child dying. It’s a horrible feeling I could never shake off and then it passed it went away it stopped after he’s father and I went out separate ways. I went numb And I forgot what it felt like that feeling the nightmares so vivid until. . 

Recently, the anxiety came flowing back in the nightmares started and I couldn’t pin point why they were so familiar why they felt As though they had been there before as though they weren’t new just always there just beneath the surface. So today I did laundry, I cleaned. I pampered myself drinking green tea mint lemonade and watched Netflix with my little monster all day and then it hit me it’s fear. But why..? 

So I shook it off, yet it kept crawling back.  To the point where I couldn’t stop trying to think why they seemed so familiar. So I pondered and it hit me. When Isaiah found the little box in he’s room from when he was born and it hit me they were so familiar because I’ve had them before the nightmares the same ones the feeling the fear. I never knew it was fear until now.  So I’m going through the photos with my child and the memories just kept flowing and then it hit me. I ignore him, I ignore the feelings I get when I’m around him but I just shake it off I get quite I don’t say much and I turn cold or I blabber on. But how do they relate do I fear letting him go. ? I feared being with him because he made me love him. I was scared to love. Yet that fear made me into someone I hated to be. It’s been years so why do I fear leaving him behind.? if it’s already been done? Or do I fear that letting go might be fearing of moving forward myself.? Because I have. So many questions. Not enough time. They say time makes you who you are the choices mold us and time is borrowed. But, why is so hard to find the answers that are right in front of you.? 

I loved him, but I loved the person he used to be. I loved the person, I used to be without him. It took me years to find myself to find joy in everything around me again.We both knew we have harmed each other more than anything and we tip toe around one another or though it seems that way as to we can’t direct words to one another without it feeling so odd. Yet, we have both moved on. We’re both happy. He’s with her and he’s children. I’m with my child and I’m happy. Truly soldemly happy. Of where I am in my life. Why are those feelings of fear fluttering in again.? Do I fear truly and forever letting go.? Because I have. We’re not friends we’re nothing but complete strangers to one another. He gave me my child and will forever be grateful but we’re nothing. So why is my fear associated with him.? 

Is it the fact that I will forever love him.? He will always have a special place in my heart. I never loved someone the way I loved him but it was toxic. Is it the fact that when I see him I don’t recognize the person he became.?  or is it the fact that when I see him I get nervous and it kills me to be civil because it should of been me.? Or is it the fact that for once in my life I ignored him.? Or the fact that when he texted me I didn’t care enough to even read it after 3 hours and I didn’t even open it I just deleted it.? It was so easy I didn’t think about it I just swiped and gone and I didn’t look back. Is it my fear that I no longer care.? Or is it the fear that for once I didn’t get anxious of what he might say.? 

I didn’t, I didn’t feel anything I didn’t care to see what he had to say. Because truth is I no longer know who he is. The fact that he’s words don’t mean a thing and I have a consistent reminder (my child) that I’m doing the right thing For once.? For myself.? Did I finally let go.? 

As I discover more of myself I find that some answers are just in front of you. So the more I grow as the person I want to be the more I undig and the more I let go. So is this just one of those times.? Letting go.? The more I used to want to seek myself so badly made me into a workaholic. The more I wanted to ignore feeling I felt numb for so long I didn’t care yet I cared so much so now that I found who I am why don’t I seem to care.? For him.? Is it all the hurt.? The more I see how things play out the more I discover and I know truly know their right in front of you. So why can’t I pin point it.? I guess another day of pondering thoughts to be discovered. 

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