Fair warning so many typos I’ll edit later…
I have been debating on writing this specific article. If you are new to my blog, here’s a little back drop. I was writing articles as an anonymous for a company they gave me a little section (if you are following me on here from there Thanks for the love hope you continue to love or even relate to my writing). As much as I loved writing in their site I decided to move it to my own blog which I haven’t really committed to it 100 % ( I know, I know, Ive said that before.) Real life just hits sometimes. Be ready, for more personal content as well as my personal thoughts and my random/ hectic life no filters, no judgement, just me and my daily struggles, random photography posts will still continue don’t worry. Now back to basis.
I’ve been keeping this in for years and I know I wrote a mini post about how I choose to parent my child (link here) but for those of you who know me / have read it there’s so much content behind all of that. Get ready sometimes the truth isn’t pretty. (this is not to bash anyone keep that in mind just life throwing us curve balls) My sweet child, had a rough couple of first days of school in 2016. I didn’t know how much he soaks in sometimes, its hard to imagine a five year act or make choices a grown up should do or think about. My son has always known he had a dad. He didn’t really care that much about it until he started actual school last year there were these two little kids who would bully him. Its crazy how 4 year old are sometimes. You see them as sweet little innocent children just using their imagination. Well, It all started when every Monday they would have to tell their teacher what their dream was for the week. my kid stated “for my parents to be together” for a whole month. Which was a little alarming to his teacher not knowing his dad wasn’t really a part of his daily life or monthly more like seasonal. I know sucks to be a kid. I went in for a parent teacher “catch up conference” Those suck if your a parent. y’all feel me. At first when I received the letter I was like omg, child what did you do. He swore up and down nothing mommy I haven’t done anything.
So there I go on Thursday evening to go speak to his teacher, Her first question and I will never forget this is ever was ” Isaiah is such a gifted student, He Is too smart for his own good. However children sometimes catch things we don’t seem to capture. I have seen you so attentive more than other mothers in my 15 years of teaching and it is great. But is Isaiah’s father in his life.?” Boy. I had no idea how to answer that so many thoughts were going in my head when she asked. Should I say no, Because that’s the truth. He wouldn’t care less if his own kid had things going on. I mean every summer he comes around without fail, How about thanksgiving he always asks so last minute if he can have him when plans have already been made how about every birthday he makes about 4 hours max of dedication time because to him work is more important than to spend time with his child. How about Christmas how he tries always to guilt trip me how he doesn’t get holidays. But how come every day after that does he ask if his okay or if he needs anything materialistic or physically or emotionally how about being there in general, for support, for co-parenting.? No, The Answer is he is not in my child’s life unless its in his convenience. Of course I didn’t say that, I did say” describe what in his life means to you.? ” I wanted to cry. I didn’t know what to say what was the right answer or the wrong answer, why is she telling me all this. Of course my response sent out a little flag for her and she picked it up. stating, “single mom or divorced.?” me:”Single mom, never married. but I don’t understand what this has to do with my child and his education.” She explained,” in the beginning of the years till now every single Monday and Friday I ask the kids what they wish for your child for a month has said I wish for my family to be together, I asked him what he ment by together and he stated I want my mom and my dad together I have pictures of him and I see him sometimes but not like my friends. for a month every Monday and Friday that is what he wishes for. One of the students told him he didn’t have a dad because his mom always picks him up and they never see his dad. I just want to make you aware that I have the situation under control but it was a bit alarming to me that him being 4 years old is wishing for his parents when he should be wishing for rockets and using imagination flow. Have you talked to him about it.?” My response, ” Yes, we do talk about it here and there when he asks why his dad doesn’t call him all the time or why his not around he doesn’t live here and he works all the time.”
After my 2 hour meeting about how my child is being bullied at school and how she has handled the situation made me think that maybe I should do something about it maybe I should contact his dad and maybe make him see that he needs to spend time with his kid. It broke my heart now knowing how even though he wasn’t in his life constantly just those random visits have made him want something he sees in cartoons. It broke my heart because it wasn’t up to me It was never my choice for his dad not to be in his life fully I tired for years and gave up. Its not up to me to make someone want something or be ready for something. at that time I didn’t know how much harm I was allowing in my child’s life. People say his a kid his going to forget don’t worry to much about it he will grow out of it. What if he doesn’t.? what if he will remember. I’m all about the what if’s when it comes to my child and I never picked up the fact that we would look at photo albums of when he was born and he would ask to see the few (4 photos) when I was pregnant. and two of them were from my prom I added those on his memory book because that’s the only time I remembered when we were truly happy and I was pregnant. (sad I know and the worst part we didn’t even know I was carrying but we were so happy)
I went straight home went up and put him to bed that night and I asked him if he wanted to see his dad, He said yes but you have to be there. There I knew my kid without even knowing did want his parents together it brought me to tears that night I contemplated for a week to call him or text him. My worst fear was not seeing eye to eye. We have a past and its not a good one, we fight constantly because he doesn’t see money comes and goes but timing is everything. To my surprise. I received a text message as always him wanting to see him. So much has happened since that time to now the present.
Contemplation of trying to do what’s right for your child might be good at the time. Now the issue at hand is having his dad be constant. I didn’t know this cycle of every year would have a effect on him but it did and he is screaming it out and I am constantly feeling as a failure as a mother crying it out. I am writing this because no 5 year old should feel this way ever. My child feels abandoned by his own father, for choosing work over seeing him. Over his calls, Over the effect that he wants to spend endless time with him but also with me He gets torn apart when he has to choose between me and his father. I knew this months ago but I don’t think his father does, I hope he reads this. Recently, he spent the night with my mom he usually always does about once a week when I just need some ME time. I mean everyone deserves it. Well I received a call at 12 am in the morning. Saying idk why but he is crying and he wants to go home. My mom being my mom was so worried that she did something wrong I picked him up and I was so worried as to why he cried when he loves sleeping over. As soon as I got home I laid him in his bed and he started to cry and said ” can I stay with you.” I asked why baby what’s wrong. Please talk to me. why are you crying why didn’t you want to stay with nana. He started crying more and then said” I don’t want you to stay anywhere at night anymore because what if you don’t come back.” I was so shocked and I was like what that will never happen do you hear me. You are my heart. why do you think I wont come back. He stated” because my daddy never comes back so I’m scared I’m going to lose you too.” I tried with all my might to hold back the tears and I grabbed his little face and hugged him so thigh and I looked at his and said I will never go anywhere, you hear me. I will always come back to you, Because you are the only thing that matters to me.
This reaction broke me down last week so hard that I had no idea what to do or say, should I tell his dad that him not being constant in our child’s life is affecting him that he feels abandoned. even though I have in the past. I knew there was a reason why he wouldn’t want to let me go anywhere not even to the restroom without him trailing behind me.
Its hard to hear that coming from a 5 year the doubt in his voice, the fear in his eyes. Makes me regret that instead of his dad being around when its convenient for him is actually harming him more than helping. That is for sure what I have been getting from this. They say kids forget. Do they really.? We mold our children we teach them but they do follow from example. Am I allowing for my child to think that its okay to not be there when you are screaming for attention from a parent. We mold future human beings, from birth to adult hood, So no in my perspective kids don’t just get over things because they are kids. The worst part is, He doesn’t want to go anywhere if I’m not there unless its school or my parents. One thing is clear this summer will be the last of this cycle being around for almost 6 years of his life. Time to Move Forward and have some consistency. You cant control what others think is right in their mind, or how they see things but you can control to stop a harmful cycle. Till Next time.