TeaCup Full of Whiskey

I have recently been asked this question a lot.

Why, Did I decide to name my site Tea cup full of whiskey.

Let me tell you it wasn’t easy to answer this, without a couple of tears coming out. I decided to share it to everyone. Its going to seem like a love letter to one particular person, and maybe it wont. Who knows. When I started this, I had no idea in what direction it was going to lead. I wanted to make it personal to have a little corner to jot down everything that flows in my head and maybe have someone to say you are not crazy.! Yet, When I linked my Facebook, I was so scared to let everyone who once knew me know my twisted dark side. We all have one. Right.? I like to believe so. Yet, I have so many interests I decided to make it everything I was passionate about life. I still at times have no idea where this might go or if it will even go somewhere. However the name was too personal to me.
I have never envisioned my life the way It turned out. I have only envisioned it with one particular person in it. He will always be the love of my life and even now, I don’t know why.? I ask myself all the time why. Yet, when something happens to me I want to turn to him. no one else but him. Yet, I cant and I wish one day I might be able to, like I used to. He was the only person I saw myself having a family with and even now. I cant see myself spending the rest of my life without anyone else but him. Even after all these years. And wanting what I never knew I did. I never wanted children of my own I always wanted to adopt just one. I never wanted a picked fence. I’m a runner, I run. Its who I am. Or should I say who i was. At times I find myself so emotional and overwhelmed.  all I want to do is pack a bag and run. I never had a stable life. when I was growing up we moved all the time. I never really had a place to call home. So I learned not to attach myself to anything or anyone until I meet him. He made it so easy and even now without him knowing it. he makes it so easy to feel safe even when I’m just next to him. My feet don’t want to ever leave. I have never felt that way ever in my life and not with anyone else.  When I see him, All the hurt just goes away and I get a pit in my stomach of nervousness’ and butterflies. I want to run because ,I know once I leave I will cry. Reality hits and all I want to do is run back. We have hurt each other so much, Yet I still love him.

We used to talk about a life together, which still makes me smile. he made me want a child without even realizing it. I never thought, I would end up alone with it. He made me want a white picket fence with white shutters and a piece of land, with kids. A career and we would build each other up . We would both make it happen and support one another, on the dream of how our future was going to work out. I can see and remember the smile on his face. still to this day.  When he told me everything was going to be okay and reassure me we were going to have a life together He asked me to marry him more than once. I wish I would of said yes. Yet, I wanted to soo badly but I was scared of what I had lived though  my childhood. I was young and now I just hate the fact that I didn’t say yes. I play this moment all the time when I catch myself missing him. (daily) Don’t get me wrong I have dated and started relationships just to find out Its not fair for them to want all of me, when I don’t want all of them. I wish I did, but I never felt the same way they did. I guess this is my Karma. I am in love with someone who doesn’t love me. I want to come home to someone just not anyone.

I see myself, 50 years from now. Drinking Whiskey out of a teacup, with my grandchildren in the kitchen table eating breakfast and nothing but pine trees around me. I don’t see myself with anyone else other than the memories. I know this makes me sound like a completely crazy alcoholic lady. I swear I’m not. I am completely sober and have been for a while. I don’t want to settle with just anyone. I don’t want to settle period because that’s not living. I want an endless love, I have never loved anyone else as I have loved the father of my child, I should say love. Its stupid, and makes no sense but that’s where the name came from. It funny how memories work. I envisioned a life with him that I have never thought of with anyone else. Tea Cup full of whiskey came from memories and my love for coffee, tea and an endless love I will forever have for him. I don’t see myself having children with anyone else.

So this year, I stopped my fertility treatments, (I found out last year it will be every hard for me to have another child and it broke me and I dealt with it alone.)  got off birth control and decided to jut let my hormones adjust be myself and just see where life takes me. I hope it involves traveling soon. My heart is desiring  it more and more each day. There’s something about hiking to the top of a mountain that just takes your break away. I may look like a city girl but there’s more to me than you will ever know. I hope you stay tuned to what’s about to come. I’m thinking a trip to visit my family in March Is much needed and another hike up the Mayan temples once again with my son, is on my list this year. If I don’t come back its because I took my son without a passport. I know yikes. not the best idea but I will not put off seeing my family any longer.  I’m not holding back anymore, so here’s to more impulse’s, traveling more, making myself look like a fool and whatever happens, happens. I am going to write it all down, say it out and just crumble my heart at the end of the day , I can say,  I said it all. we live in borrowed time so why keep it in anymore.



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