People tend to say old habits die hard. Do they really.? I always tend to see the best in people. What if those people constantly fail you.? What then. Ive been thinking a lot about writing anonymously again. There’s something about no one knowing what your past is or who you just that they can relate to you. Some sense in freedom that i have been constant finding myself needing now more than ever and not freedom as if you cant do anything but more of feeling free in your heart. As a mother I have a tendency of not taking anything so lightly on not counting on anyone else but myself. When i do it all seems to be crashing down. The only thing i don’t take lightly is my son. Anything else i could care less, fool me, embarrass me, I do that on the daily. I think every momma feels this way of protecting what is most dearest to you.
I catch myself wanting, I guess what everyone wants. I never knew this looking back that i actually wanted a family not one that you are born into but one that you create. That you are loved in by and make those around you feel the same way. I never thought about marriage i mean my examples aren’t pleasant even when i was younger i didn’t yearn for it. Now more than ever i am finding myself wanting it. Wanting to come home to someone and bitch about how horrible or great my day was and hearing there’s as well, The thing is i don’t just want anyone. People say broken hearts mend. Mine seems to be torn for more than what it seems close to a decade i never knew i would ever feel this way about a specific person. The worst thing is loving someone who will never love you or what you. I have felt hopeless, not good enough and i catch myself looking into a reflection i can no longer see who this person is. I fake a smile a good one. I say I’m fine. It’s no big deal so i stuff my feelings into tiny boxes and don’t face it just dive into work or whatever can occupy my time at the time.
I never thought i wanted a big family until now saying the foolish 24 year old girl, Who felt ashamed of being pregnant at 17. Yup. That’s a big one. I didn’t feel safe or happy. I felt afraid and naive. I feel like i still am that 17 year old girl without a purpose. Being called a gold digger by someone who didn’t even know me and someone who sore they loved me who never defended it. I carry broken pieces of my heart wanting to be mend. Not by anyone but myself. I never knew how much i wanted it until i saw the prefect image by those around me. I mean they are in no means perfect but they are perfectly imperfect. Saying the hopeless foolish girl who is a romantic, Or maybe just a fool. I see those friendships of mine just flourish and move and i see my life from the outside so small and non moving just standing still. As if no matter what i do differently or not its just standing still. I want to move forward so bad and yet my mind says one and my heart says the other. I have never really faced things i just tend to run or shut them in. Out of mind out of sight right.? Wrong !!! They are still there just creeping to come out.
I want so much and yet I’m stuck. Some one once told me my greatest down fall would be “my kindness to forgive those who have wronged me and to let it go. There are just somethings that you cant let go.” I always thought that was what sets you free from those who have hurt us. How much is enough.? I keep asking myself that a lot lately. How much are you willing to tolerate.? How much are you willing to love someone who could care less about you.? Do actions actually speak louder than words.? Is being afraid of having what you actually want a weakness.? Good or bad. How far are you willing to get it.? I have been around of a lot of intellectual people who are so stuck up in the clouds who have no sense of direction. No sense of humility. I catch myself thinking how far will you go.?
Pillow talk and dreams is all it is. Sleeping aids kicking in before drifting away in a deep sleep is all it is. I catch myself wanting it all and also knowing that it will take time. That i wont always feel this alone. That someone actually understands how i feel. I am also an emotional wreck. Who tends to hide it perfectly but doesn’t want too anymore. So i am no longer hiding behind an anonymous site. I am opening the wound and just letting it drain.
I am not the perfect mother nor will i ever be. But one thing i will always do is let my children have a voice. No matter how badly it might sound. They will always be heard. Their dreams will never be small. The hurt is never forever and the joy of being loved is greater than anything imaginable.. I might have some regrets, I will have to live with but I am learning to deal with them rather than shutting them out.