Before i start this, I apologize for all the typos this post is going to have. I told myself i will stop trying to reread everything and just publish since i have 6 posts sitting in my inbox that never got out due to not being perfect.
When you open the wound you allow yourself to feel it all. To reflect and say, ” Am i going to keep allowing this to happen.?” I am going to be giving and giving little peices of myself and make myself miserable again.? if so, for what reason.? After having coffee with a dear friend of mine and hearing her vent on her own marriage and to actually know how it all went down i mean ive been there every step of the way but she never told me why it happened the way it did. Made me reflect. On myself, on my wants and to finally come to terms with it. So i did the one thing i didn’t want to do. See if he cared. Which he didn’t and ive known this to the core.
As i drove home thinking of everything and how everything went down. I allowed myself to be selfish for the first time in a very long time. I let the one trait i hate about myself free for a couple of hours. I didn’t cry i didn’t feel guilty after I let the words flow and how i saw things and felt hit the keys of the phone. a piece of me felt liberated a part of me felt wounded to the core. As if i had slit my own wrist and just it all flow away. As i typed, Christmas came to mind, if he didnt care why make me stay, why say you wanted me there and then after tell me you had feelings for me but didn’t want too.? Why deny me a passport to travel.? Why not let me go.? Was it all a game.? Why say that and say you dont care.? I think that hurt more than i expected. Like i said, I havent cried. For the first time in a long time. I am letting it all out. I am placing cards on the table. I am allowing myself to stop making excuses for others not being there and making myself a prioty. Which i have not done in a very long time.
3 hours of sleep and waking up at 4 am with a pit in my stomach rushing to the restroom to just vomit. realizing as i actually got the nerve to put on my running shoes and hitting the gym in what seemed forever ago. As i ran and the sweat dripped i allowed myself to ask my own self questions. What are you holding onto.? Take a step back and actually analyze it all. Why did you let go.? for what.? Why can’t you let someone see you for you.? Why don’t you just let go.? Let lose.? Be fun.? Why cant you let someone else love you.? As I’m running and hitting all this questions with every step that hits the rubber. I say to myself. Why make excuses.? Book that flight. Go to Cali, Be fearless, again. Be that girl who didn’t give a care in the world. Go on that date. Stop feeling guilty for telling him how you feel and how you see things. make your god dam self happy. Most of all allow yourself to be loved.
Allow to leave your past behind and stop apologizing for the actions you had once done. You are no longer that person, who was hurt. Stop allowing the same person to hurt you. Stop allowing him to come and go. Stop allowing him to make you feel like a terrible person. Most of all Stop allowing him to tell you, you are a horrible mother. most of all STOP CARING FOR SOMEONE WHO COULD CARE LESS ABOUT YOU. !!!! you don’t allow anyone else to do the same. Yeah, you forgive everyone and you allow them to have that forgiveness and let it go. Why can’t you do the same.? Allow yourself to say I forgive you and walk away.
For the first time in almost 3 years, I can look myself in the mirror and say I made a mistake i cant take back. I will not let it define me. you weren’t strong enough then. But you are now. Allow yourself to forgive yourself and allow yourself to want it again. Allow yourself to have that perfectly imperfect moment not with just anyone. Allow yourself to be the one person others see and you cannot see.
Cling onto those words, ” you are amazing, you are strong, your silly and funny, you are extraordinary, you are caring, you are an amazing mother, you are kind, you are forgiving, you are smart, you are GOOD ENOUGH, you are an amazing friend. you are everything anyone would wish to have in their life. ” Allow yourself to feel it all and believe it. For so long i never saw it, I saw the complete opposite. Slowly Learning to believe it. To let those who actually care about me care and be there.
Wake up calls don’t happen this way. They take time. To finally say ” I deserve so much more. ” On a brighter note: I booked that flight to Cali, I bought Disney tickets and i am taking the plunge to experience it all. I can only say the hurt will ease and the adventures afloat. Who knows. I might take the offer to actually pack up and drive again and see where Isaiah and I might end up.
On that note, I have been working with some amazing people to bring you guys my galleries to the blog, as well as some new content on beauty, skin care and Q&A’s that have been floating my direct messages on Instagram and I might even do a little travel diary. Since i not just booked Cali in June, but also New york, Chicago, Utah and lets just say lots of trees and wilderness will be involved. As well as little mini getaways in Texas with my little. Stay tuned.